BUT OMG MY HEART HURTS RIGHT NOW!
In the last 2 years to just death I have lost my mom, my sister, and 2 close friends. Dealt with some horrible illness and disease in other family members and close friends and continue to do so. Watched a close friend go off the deep end and got a dirty needle stick at work as well as personal health issues. I have held strong, keeping my head down and one foot in front of the other. My motto has always been IT IS WHAT IT IS AND IT WILL BE WHAT IT IS SUPPOSE TO. I know I can't stop most things in this world...but I can sure do my best to keep my corner tidy!
I am not given to emotional outbursts usually.....irritation yes sometimes... but most emotions I keep in check. Tears are few and far between in my life ...not because there wasn't reason but because they don't usually fall. I generally grit my teeth and just move forward to do my best. But losing Bravo ...well quite frankly I really would like to go with him. I won't but I would like to. This dog was NOT A PET......HE WAS NOT A FUR BABY....HE WAS TRULEY THE BEST THING EVER IN MY WORLD. If you have never depended on a dog to save your life...you may not grasp the depth of what I am saying. As a T1D my BG's are rarely stable.....to damn many variables to get perfect control of a imperfect body. Knowing that...now know I don't feel anything with a low BG or a high BG except irritable and thirsty which I usually am anyway. This dog alerted on average of 4 to 6 times a day...saving my bacon more times than I can even count. He has walked devotedly by my side through some serious shit! He knew me better than I knew myself and while he was a dog...I truly believe he was a guardian angel that took dog form just to watch over me....but he took that job to a new level and included over 200 more Tattle Tail (www.tattletailscentdogs.com) families, not to mention countless families which working as a therapy animal, and ALWAYS loving most anyone who came across our path. If Bravo didn't like you.....I didn't bother trying to change my opinion. HE KNEW. For those that know me.....I am damn hard on guardian angels...Trust me I wear them out...even God has to send in new recruits to watch over me. But 11 1/2 years ago he sent me one that I could love in the physical world and I will never ever be the same and at the moment I feel shattered and feel like I am wandering in the dark.
I KNOW PEOPLE CARE. I KNOW PEOPLE GRIEVE DIFFERENTLY. I KNOW most want to help ease what I am feeling......but the only one that has ever touched that deep in my heart is Bravo. I don't let people in that far. Don't take me wrong I care about all in my life and I do my best to show it...but people BLESS THEIR HEARTS are SO DAMN COMPLICATED! Humans use way to many words. Animals just are! They communicate CLEARLY but they do it with out saying a WORD and their ACTIONS always follow their intent! They are most incapable of telling a lie.
I can hardly breathe. I am numb. I can't sleep. Everywhere I look I see Bravo. I hold the door open waiting for him to come in. I call the other dogs by his name. I even curled up in his dog bed for a bit last night. Honestly I might be losing my damn mind! This is not normal to love a dog as much as I did him..hell I am not sure it is normal to love a human as much as I loved him. I have other dogs to help fill the alerting role that he left but THEY ARE NOT BRAVO. They are both amazing dogs and you would be a fool to not be proud to be owned by them.....but yet my heart cant take them in any further right now.
I decided to revive my old blog.......I haven't written much in a long time.....spending to damn much time at funerals, hospitals, and putting out brush fires. I havent figured out if I can change the name of this blog yet......but know you are about to get a load of new posts titled LESSONS FROM BRAVO. I have to get this out of my head so that perhaps I can rest and find the energy to move on.
For now I am stuck at this moment.......
When you lose the truly special ones that are literally 'part' of you the world can be impossibly dark for a while. Hang on and hang tough, friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I have lost a few that were very loved and special but none who watched over and saved my life every day. Wishing you much comfort.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your most inner feelings. You are normal to love a dog that much and you are normal to want to go with him. They have a way of touching our lives. I'm glad you two had each other I just wish it could of been for longer. Writing helps and please keep doing it. My deepest sympathies. Bless you and bless bravo!
ReplyDeleteKC, that was perfectly, and beautifully said.
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