Lessons From Bravo....Damn is this hurt ever going to stop

Is this hurt ever going to stop?  Am I ever going to get over this?

Almost a month and my heart is still aching.   Still missing him.  Get over it KC....He was a dog KC....You are stronger than this KC...  I am not sure.

Went into Texas Road House the other night and had Never with me.  Was greeted with "Bravo....BRAVO.....I have missed ya boy.....Glad you are back!"  My heart jammed in my throat as I had to explain.  Went to a local fast food drive through....." Here is a lil ice cream cone for Bravo!"  Dropped a deposit off at the bank.....the teller drops a bone and says "For Bravo".  At the grocery store checking out....." That isn't Bravo!"  Went to see my primary care doctor....she walked in and looked at Never and exclaimed "OH NO....WHAT HAPPENED TO BRAVO?" She then had tears in her eyes as I explained what happened.  They know me as the lady with the dog....named Bravo.

It gets worse...have had several low blood glucoses lately. Some rather severe like 26, 34, and 32.  During one of them I was told I kept repeating, "It is okay Bravo, I am fixing it as Never was nudging me".  If I trip over a dog I mutter "Bravo,...MOVE". None of the dogs at the house know their name as I call Bravo incessantly.

I think I am losing my mind! I am no stranger to grief.  I have lost grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, sister, best friends, other dogs to death......but I still can not shake this and move on.  Bravo at my side was a natural as getting dressed in the morning. I knew this day was coming at some point but I sure as hell was not prepared for it. Try googling...death of a service dog....losing a service dog to death. There is very little out there. There are millions of self help books on when you lose a spouse, a parent, a child, even a dog.....but there is NOTHING out there on losing a service animal.  So far I haven't found much help in words of any kind.  Exactly what is a service animal....the ADA says "Service animals are defined as dogs that are individually trained to do work or perform tasks for people with disabilities. Examples of such work or tasks include guiding people who are blind, alerting people who are deaf, pulling a wheelchair, alerting and protecting a person who is having a seizure, reminding a person with mental illness to take prescribed medications, calming a person with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) during an anxiety attack, or performing other duties. Service animals are working animals, not pets. The work or task a dog has been trained to provide must be directly related to the person’s disability. Dogs whose sole function is to provide comfort or emotional support do not qualify as service animals under the ADA."  Bravo met that description...he could smell my blood sugars and keep nasty highs and lows occurring my alerting me ahead of time.  He also could alert me to ketones preventing DKA.  That is cool, but in addition to that...he was with my every move, always and ever by my side.   Every place I went, he went.  Every job, every speaking engagement, every funeral, EVERY WHERE!  Like my wallet......I didn't leave home without him. 

How do you heal from this?  How do you get up each day, knowing your health and welfare is at stake because your ability to detect the highs and lows with such great reliability is gone.  I have 2 other dogs that are trained to do this....they are good...but they are not Bravo.  I do not have the same trust in them. They are trying their hearts out but it is not them IT IS ME. We all will keep trying....but right now IT JUST SUCKS! 

I hug them and cry into their fur.  They lick my face and try to crawl into my heart.  Both Never and Totem are trying their guts out to help, to bring joy, to bring laughter... I just can't see it right now.  

I don't know where to go, where to turn, what to do......so I do nothing except what I have to.  Running totally on instinct and patterned behavior of the last 11 and half years.  I will get through but I am sure I WILL NEVER EVER BE THE SAME!